RED DWARF SMASH DOWN!
by Janine1
Summary: Red Dwarf characters in the ring with no rules. What will happen? Sequal you all asked me for is up, and funnier (and more violent) than ever!
1. RED DWARF SMASH DOWN

A/N: Hey! This was just a really stupid idea that I thought may end up being funny. If you think its funny, please tell me. If you think its incredibly stupid please still tell me. I want your honesty!  
  
Disclaimer: Don't you get tired of doing these? Its not anyone is going to sue me just if I happen to forget to put this or say they all belong to me! Well anyway, they belong to BBC. I'll drive them home when I'm done with them!  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Starfruit, and Cheezdanish for doing all the wacky Weakest link and who wants to be a millionaire parodies!  
  
Pairings:  
  
Dave Lister vs. Kill Crazy  
  
Kristine Kochanski vs. Nirvanah Crane  
  
Arnold Rimmer vs. The Inquisitor  
  
Kryten vs. Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech  
  
Frank Hollister vs. Ace Rimmer  
  
Cat vs. Duane Dibly  
  
  
  
*** Men's locker room before match.***  
  
Lister: Rimmer, hate to break it to you, but you're going to be dead before you even step in the ring.  
  
Rimmer: I can take him!  
  
*Evil Laugh from the inquisitor over at the other side of the room*  
  
Ace: That's the spirit! *Pats Rimmer on the back*  
  
Cat: (singing) I'm gonna' get you little geeky! How am I lookin'? (Cat is dressed in Copper colored designer wrestling suit)  
  
  
  
***Woman's locker room before match***  
  
Nirvanah: I think you're under the illusion that you can cause physical harm to a hologram.  
  
Kochanski: Oh, I have my ways. You're going down (evil growl)  
  
Ech-ech-ech-ech…: (Says something really annoying and disturbing in gelf language) rough translation: I'm going to get that Dave Lister if it's the last thing I ever do!  
  
Kochanski: But you aren't even fighting Lister…?  
  
*Evil laugh from Ech-ech-ech…*  
  
  
  
Announcer: Welcome to celebrity smash down, Red Dwarf style. Today we have something very special planned for you. This is not censored, this is raw fighting with no rules! Anything goes! Now lets get ready for our first battle.  
  
In this corner of the ring, weighing at a whopping 200 pounds, DAVID LISTER!! *Cheering from the crowd* And in this corner, weighing a not-so- whopping 160 pounds…KILL CRAZY!!!!! *More cheering from the crowd*  
  
***Bell Dings***  
  
Announcer: Lets get it on!  
  
Kill Crazy: *Holds up fists and begins circling the ring* So, you think you can beat me?  
  
Lister:*Does the same* Ya', I think I can!  
  
*Kill crazy explodes with rage and charges full speed at Lister, he jumps, hoping to hit Lister in the face*  
  
*Lister ducks, sending Kill Crazy flying to the other side of the ring*  
  
*Kill Crazy gets up and begins to grown and steam* You're going down! *Kill Crazy pulls a curry out of his pocket, Holds it up to Lister's nose* Getting hungry?  
  
Lister: *Sniffs the Curry, mouth begins to water* That's not fair…but… but… I CAN'T RESIST!!! *Lister dives for the curry and stuffs it in his mouth*  
  
Kill Crazy: *Looks at the watch on his wrist* Any moment now…  
  
Lister: *Suddenly turns a shade of purple and rushes at full speed out of the ring into the men's bogs*  
  
Announcer: Dave Lister is disqualified! We have a winner!  
  
*Kill Crazy runs, jumps out of the ring, picks up a chair and runs out of the arena screaming "YEAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!" at the top of his lungs, then chucks the chair at a car and starts a loud annoying Car alarm*  
  
  
  
Announcer: LETS GET READY TO RUMBLE! In this corner, weighing in at 119 pounds, KRISTINE KOCHANSKI!!!! *Kochanski smiles childishly and waves at the crowd while they cheer*  
  
And in this corner, weighing an un measurably small amount , NIRVANAH CRANE!!!! *Cheering* Lets get it on!!!  
  
**Bell Dings**  
  
Nirvanah: *Stands there and does nothing but smile an evil smile*  
  
Kochanski: *Starts doing kicks in the air and getting cheers from the crowd*  
  
Nirvanah: Why don't you just quit, little girl. You can't physically harm me!  
  
Kochanski: That's what you think! *Kochanski goes over to Nirvanah, takes her light bee and smashes it on the ground*  
  
Announcer: Hmmm, that was a quick match. Oh what the hell, WE HAVE A WINN-.  
  
*The smashed pieces on Nirvanah's light bee float in mid air and assemble themselves, then fly over and hit Kochanski in the head, leaving her unconscious. Nirvanah Crane's image re appears*  
  
Announcer: Well… that was interesting! We have a winner!!  
  
Nirvanah: Told ya' you were going down! *Strolls off*  
  
  
  
Announcer: ALRIGHT! Lets bring out our next competitors.  
  
*Rimmer walks out if the Men's locker room wearing Tiny Blue shorts. Everyone in the crowd blushes at the same time*  
  
Announcer. In This corner. Weighing…  
  
Rimmer: Hey hey, Miladdo! Can we skip this part?  
  
Announcer: If you say so… In the other corner, weighing 400 points *Rimmer's eyes widen with shock* The Inquisitor!!!!!  
  
Rimmer: HEY! THAT'S NOT FAIR!  
  
*The Inquisitor growls*  
  
*Rimmer jumps over the cables and runs out of the arena screaming*  
  
Announcer: Well, that was quick. WE HAVE A WINNER! *Evil laughter from the Inquisitor*  
  
  
  
Announcer; ALRIGHT! Lets heat things up in the joint! In This corner, He'll do you're laundry, he'll clean you're Lavvy…  
  
Kryten: *"Blushes"* Please sir, don't flatter me.  
  
Announcer: …weighing in at 150 ponds, here's our mechanoid man KRYTEN!!!  
  
In this corner, weighing 300 pounds, Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech!!! *clears his throat and takes a caught drop*  
  
*Four Gelfs sitting in the front row stand up and start cheering their heads off. Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech blows then a kiss.*  
  
***Bell dings***  
  
Kryten: This is for Mr. Lister! *Pulls his android arm back and swings it at her, punching her in the face*  
  
Ech-ech-ech-ech…: *Just stands there, no damage is done* Says something in Gelf language translated into: I'm going to crush you like a bug, robot! *evil laughter. Ech-ech-ech-ech… flings her self against the raining and bounces back and jumps on Kryten, crushing him to death*  
  
Announcer: WE HAVE A WINNER! Alright, lets get to our next battle. In this corner, weighing 170 pounds, he's not from this dimension… ACE RIMMER!!! *Every person in the audience stands up and cheers loud*  
  
And in this corner, weighing… He's requested that we not tell you his weight, CAPTAIN FRANK HOLLISTER!! *booing*  
  
***bell dings***  
  
Ace: I can't do it. I refuse to hurt you.  
  
Announcer: Oh come on! We haven't had any action all night!  
  
Ace: I'm sorry, but I refuse.  
  
Hollister: Oh come on!  
  
Ace: *shakes head*  
  
Kill Crazy: (whispers) pssst. Ace, come here!  
  
Ace: *Walks over* What is it, my chummy?  
  
Kill Crazy: Look over there. *Ace looks, Kill crazy takes out a needle and injects him with PCP while he isn't looking*  
  
*Aces face turns red with rage* You fat piece of lard… I'm going to crush you like a bug! *growls with rage*  
  
Hollister: wait… please don't!  
  
Ace: You ugly fat bastard, you have a face only a mother could love!  
  
Hollister's mother: *Gets up from the audience* And I don't!  
  
Hollister: But Mummy?  
  
*Ace takes a swing at him while he isn't looking, Hollister gets flung to the other side of the ring*  
  
Ace: You tub of lard! Aren't you even gonna' put up a fight?!  
  
Hollister: I FORFEIT!!  
  
Announcer: Well, I guess that was interesting. We haven't had a real fight all night. Alright Ace, you win!  
  
Ace: You ugly git!  
  
Announcer: hey hey! You watch you're mouth!  
  
Ace: *Punches announcer in the face. Announcer falls off his chair. Ace kicks him out of the way* Looks like I'm the announcer now! In this corner, the ugly, unfashionable nerdy guy, DUANE DIBLY!!  
  
In this corner, the vein, stupid, cloister worshiping guy, The Cat!  
  
Cat: How'm' I lookin'?  
  
Ace: My god, you are the best looking bloke I have seen… ever!  
  
Cat: I already knew that, but that doesn't answer my question!  
  
Duane: *Looks cat up and down* So, you're my alternate personality, want a sandwich?  
  
Cat: No I don't want a sandwich! I want to kick you in the stomach with my extremely fashionable Cuban heels.  
  
Duane: Can I interest you in a triple thick condom? Perhaps a thermos? What about a science text book?  
  
Cat: A science text book? Only if I can hit you over the head with it!  
  
Duane: hey, No need to get violent, Mister!  
  
Cat: Yes there is, this is Red Dwarf smash down after all! Now will you please keep your unfashionable mouth shut while I punch you in the face?  
  
Ace: QUIT YOUR FOUL WHINING AND BE AN MAN, DUANE! SOMETIME THIS CENTURY, PLEASE!!!  
  
Duane: *sticks out fists* Ok, let me warn you, I'm gonna' punch you so…  
  
Cat: Shut up, dork! I can't stand to be so close to someone this nerdy and unfashionable. Lets get this over with! *Punches Duane in the face, then kicks him until he is lying on the floor motionless* That's better.  
  
Ace: Alright! You win… Oh my god! The PCP is wearing off! HOLY SHIT, WHAT HAVE I DONE?!  
  
Rimmer: I'll tell you what you did. You punched out Hollister and called him a fat tub of lard. I think I am finally beginning to like you.  
  
Ace: I did what?!?  
  
Rimmer: Then again, maybe not.  
  
Lister: Nice job with Hollister, Man! *Pats Ace on the back*  
  
Ace: What have I done?!  
  
*Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech emerges from the shadows and cracks her knuckles* Gelf language: I'll Get you, Dave Lister!! *Jumps and pounces on him*  
  
Dave: *Screams at top of his lungs* GET HER OFF ME GET HER OFF ME!!!  
  
~  
  
Lister furiously pulls off his helmet and finds that he is sitting in the AR machine next to Kryten, Rimmer, and the Cat.  
  
Lister: Remind me to never EVER do that again!!! 


	2. BATTLE OF THE MARY SUES

A/N: Ok, some of these characters are borrowed from other stories (that's the whole point!), but if you have been here before, I know that you know them! You guys asked for the sequel, its, it's a little different then the first, but I think you will enjoy. Flame all you want for this stupid sequel!  
  
Disclaimer: Ok, you know who the original characters belong to, yada yada yada…  
  
Hippolyta Hollister comes from Parole and Body swap, take two, written by the lovely and talented Cheezdanish. Thanks for letting me borrow her!  
  
Kyla Miranda Rimmer (or Anderson) comes from The bonding trilogies, written by the wonderful Princess Lauren E. Greenleaf!  
  
Roxanne Tripper is from Love is Just a Game, written by the amazing and excellent LuvsRimmer!  
  
And of course… Olivia Angeledis, from Amnesia, written by the weird and untalented…ME!  
  
  
  
Dedication: This is dedicated to Cheezdanish, Lauren Greenleaf, and LuvsRimmer for letting me borrow their characters for my sick twisted fun (whatever) Oh and by the way, thanks LuvsRimmer for giving helping me think of the idea (or something)  
  
  
  
BATTLE OF THE MARY SUES!!!!!!  
  
  
  
~  
  
  
  
Olivia sat in the crowded Arena, next to a few complete and total strangers. Next to her on the right was a hobo eating a sandwich. Olivia wondered how he could even afford to be sitting this close. They were in the fourth row of the enormous stadium. On the other side was a business woman talking on her cell phone. She hadn't paid the least bit of attention through the entire match, and had silenced her when she had shouted and cheered. Olivia was a little upset she never got to see her baby, Arnold, fight, I mean sure, anybody would be scared as hell of The Inquisitor. Why couldn't they have given him a little easier of a match? The Inquisitor could remove him from the gene pool if he did anything. What a waste of some little shorts!  
  
~  
  
Meanwhile, at the other end of the stadium, Kyla sat with her 14 year old daughter, Merril. She was lucky to score VIP seats in the front row. She had managed to swipe them from some hopeless teenage boy and his nowhere date outside.  
  
"I wish Dad had fought." Said Merril, a little embarrassed that her Dad had run away.  
  
"Did you see the size of the guy he had to fight? Well, lets get out of this AR machine." Said Kyla. The 2 of them got up.  
  
~  
  
Hippolyta was sitting in the seventh row. Pretty nice view for the size of this goddamn place. All the flashing lights and the big fat men with their shirts off and red and black paint all over their obese bellies was beginning to annoy her. "YOU RULE ACE!" One of them screamed. Ace was sitting in the ring with his feet dangling from the side sulking about what he had done. His chin was resting in his palms as he sulked. He had shamed himself. Not just himself, but every Ace there ever was in what he had done that night. Sure he had been injected with PCP, but that was no excuse.  
  
Hippolyta knew Rimmer pretty well, and she was not the least bit surprised he had run away from the Inquisitor. Any sane person would have, her on the other hand would have threatened to rip off his balls and shove them down his throat, but wasn't sure if she would actually proceed in doing that.  
  
~  
  
Roxie sat in her seat surrounded by all the hopeless skinny guys with their shirts off, in the back. "Yeah! You go Ace man!" shouted one in a high squeaky voice. Roxie sipped at her Zima, hoping she would get wasted enough to stop herself from thinking about the possibilities of how the hell she got here. Was it another crazy dream? If so, she sure as hell had a vivid imagination!  
  
~  
  
Sure Lister had gotten out of the AR machine, but Rimmer was still cowering behind a Red Subaru in the parking lot, freezing his arse off in the rain. He began to shiver. Hopefully the match would be over by now, and he could go back in, and maybe take a warm shower in the men's locker room. No, The Inquisitor might still be lurking around.  
  
The rain soon turned to hail, and Rimmer decided he had to get inside. After all, he was almost naked! Rimmer quickly waddled inside. He reached for the back door, but it was locked. "Smeg" he mumbled. He wrapped his arms around his chest that was practically turning blue. His teeth began to chatter as the cold beads of ice pounded against his tense pale skin. He began to jog and waddle at the same time to find another entrance. All the doors were probably locked, they didn't want people sneaking in to this place.  
  
~  
  
People began to leave. Nothing else was going to happen, it was over. Tons of men and women, fat and skinny, piled down the rows of and out the doors. A majority of the audience had been cheering for Ace, a few convicts had managed to sneak in and cheer Kill Crazy on. Some science geeks sat in the last row with their digital cameras with super-zoom, cheering for Duane. Hollister's wife was sandwiched somewhere in the middle, whistling for him. A few random people, like Peterson and Selby were somewhere shouting obscene language and gestures at Lister. There were also a few Gelfs in the third row who had been cheering for Ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech-ech. Some thick-headed holograms stealing aisle seats here and there, and questioning usher intelligence when they were asked to move. And of course Olivia, Hippolyta, Roxie, Kyla and Merril all had cheered for Rimmer. Well, only the few moments he was actually out there.  
  
The announcer still laid on the floor in an uncomfortable position. He had quite a shiner on his left eye from Ace's punch. He slowly lifted his head, his entire body ached. He felt someone kick at his back.  
  
"Hey man, do I get paid for this gig?" asked Kill Crazy.  
  
The announcer let out a moan. Her perfect hair was ruined. It was perfect in his mind, but greased back black hair was a little out of style.  
  
Kill Crazy reached his skinny hands into the announcer's pocket and pulled out his wallet. He looted all the cash from the money section, and searched through the credit cards. The only one that interested him was a video store membership card. He could use a few good videos for the brig instead of the crappy ones. Nothing was interesting since Kryte TV shut down. Kill Crazy slipped it back in the guys pocket and stashed the goods in his own, then made a quick exit.  
  
~  
  
Rimmer finally found the front door. A few fans were still making there way out. The all went out of there ways to throw things at him and Boo. He just rushed in so he could feel warmth once again. As he made his way in he slowly gained back the feeling in his torso and limbs.  
  
"Arn!" shouted a female voice.  
  
"AJ!" Shouted another.  
  
"Rimmer!" Shouted another.  
  
"Jude!" shouted another, That one confused him. Jude?  
  
He suddenly felt a woman in his arms. She was warm and feminine. The woman began to kiss him on the lips. She swirled her tongue inside his mouth and he nearly choked. He didn't know whether or not to push her away. Before he had a chance to decide he opened his eyes to see another woman pulling her away and slapping her across the face. That Woman had long brown hair. "You keep your hands off my husband!" She shouted. HUSBAND???!!!???  
  
~  
  
Kyla was furious seeing another woman in the hands of her beloved husband. She used all her force to push the woman with brown curly hair with blonde highlights, and an Evil Dead T-shirt away. What bad taste! The woman got back up.  
  
"Jude, who's she?!?" She shouted.  
  
Why was she calling him Jude? She instantly felt the pain of a punch coming from behind. She was taken completely by surprise. She instantly turned around to see another woman. This one had long blonde hair. The woman had an angry look in her eyes. "stay off!" she mumbled, actually it was more of a growl.  
  
~  
  
The announcer opened his eyes. Still sore. He noticed four women fighting over near the bleachers, and Arnold Rimmer, one of the contestants standing near them. He rubbed his head. He slowly climbed back onto the desk He reached for the microphone. The special effects guys had turned off the flashy lights, and turned on the main lights, thank god.  
  
~  
  
"He made love to me, and the sex was fantastic, godamnit! That kind of romance only comes from true love!" screamed Roxie, while pouncing on Olivia.  
  
Olivia did her best to toss the curvy woman off her, but she was stronger then she would have imagined. "HOW DO YOU EVEN KNOW HIM?!? I was alone with him for the last few weeks! He never said anything about other woman!" she screamed, finally managing to throw her off her back.  
  
"That's a damn lie and you know it! I have been with her for the last fifteen years!" shouted Kyla, kicking Olivia in the knees, knocking her off her feet onto the floor. Hippolyta took this as a chance to jump on her and pound her face into the ground.  
  
"Right, we really believe that! He's been on Red Dwarf in the brig for the past 2 years!" She shouted, while making Olivia lick the dirty floors. Finally she let go of Olivia's hair and realized the one she should be attacking was Kyla. She blew back a few strands of Blonde hair out of her face. Kyla was currently holding back Roxie from pouncing on Rimmer and covering him with snogs.  
  
Rimmer backed up a few feet from the four fighting women. He still couldn't believe they were fighting for him! Had Lister switched this AR game with better than life or something?  
  
Now Kyla was trying to hold back Hippolyta from biting her face off. "Merril sweetie, I'd never ask you to do this in any other situation, but please kick one of them in the face!"  
  
Merril smiled. She had stayed out of it until now. She did as her mother instructed, managing to kick Olivia in the chin with her black combat boot.  
  
A tear dripped down Olivia's cheek. She remembered how much fun she had with Arnold, how good he made her feel. How could this be true? She had to win him. She had to be tough! The one way to attack an enemy was to first attack its heart! She grabbed Merril by the arms and bashed her against the rail of the ring.  
  
They all stepped into the ring, it seemed appropriate for this situation. Merril laid on the floor, clutching her bruised ribs. Kyla was so furious at Olivia for hurting her daughter. She completely forgot about Hippolyta. She rushed over to Olivia and kicked her in the middle of her stomach, knocking the wind out of her, then bashing her nose with her palm.  
  
~  
  
Rimmer stood there in a state of shock while it became more and more violent. A small group of lingering fans began to gather around.  
  
"It looks like we have a bonus match for you here!" Said The announcer, finally being able to get up in his chair. The brunette one (with highlights) seemed to get very pissed off at that. She stepped out of the ring un noticed and walked over to the announcer and punched him in the face. This was not an extra battle, and he couldn't take credit for it. She was in a lot of pain, but still had the energy to put up a fight. The announcer instantly fell off his chair. Roxie walked over to Rimmer and kissed him again. She gave him a smile.  
  
The other woman instantly noticed and pounced on her.  
  
"STOP!!!" shouted Rimmer, but it was too late. He watched as they all fought, and eventually knocked each other out. He watched as they all lay motionless. The irony of it all was he didn't know a single one of them. He was from a dimension where none of them existed, well maybe they did, but they were dead. Finally he pulled off his helmet, and he was back on Red Dwarf, floating aimlessly through space.  
  
"Hey man, what took you so long?" asked Lister  
  
"Yeah, we were about to play Junior Angler." Said the cat, looking bored.  
  
"I'm going to bed." Mumbled Rimmer.  
  
  
  
~~~~  
  
THE END!!!  
  
A/N: DON'T KILL ME! 


End file.
